When I was young, I had a carefree life. Not as free as rich kids back in my time do, but I consider it lax. I never had to worry about food, or shelter, 'coz my parents do that for me. Although money was very scarce, we managed to live a peaceful life despite poverty.
I didn't have the luxury of having friends. Most probably because of my small stature, or somehow that's what I chose to blame. My old self didn't get along with other children of my age. My parents say that I was intelligent back then, and even had honors, which could be the reason why evryone else got intimidated by me. But, it wasn't, because I've encountered other people who, if not as smart, is smarter than me. And that didn't go well, too.
Time passed by; days turned to months, months turned to years, and years became decades. It took me a lot of learning to find out that I didn't want what I had before in my life - loneliness. That feeling of being the only person that I am. It even arrived to a point wherein I was bullied, laughed at, and at worst, hurt. I decided, enough is enough, and I changed myself. The whole package - the looks, the attitude, personality, mannerisms, I even invented my own stories just so others would be able to see me differently unlike the people who saw me before.
I got results, fortunately. I became a part of a circle of friendship. Enjoyed group conversations, established emotional ties, cherished peer activities, hangouts, traveled, got drunk at some point. I learned and experienced alot of things. Things that the old me wouldn't believe I would do. I had tons of fun. Fell in love. Got my heartbroken a couple of times. Regretted half of the way I lived.
After all that I've been through, I still felt empty. I wasn't satisfied. I realized that I am still lonely. Yes, I was happy, and content at some point, but lately, I've been having tons of sleepless nights.
Time passed by, and people come and go. Some of them stayed, but most of them already had different lives to pursue. I am still alone by myself. Still waiting for someone to send me a message, or two. My heart's still broken, and I've just turned 28 last month.
You see, you will have a point in your life, that even if you did change for the better, something still remains as a part of you that will never go away. I guess for me, I will forever be lonely. Fun and happiness may come my way, but at the end of the day, I am still left on my own, facing my own dilemmas, and overthinking things, mysteries of the world, answering questions of how and why, and continuously thinking, or at sometimes, talking to myself, alone.
Regrets, yes, they bug me so much. Regrets from the worst decisions I've made in my life. Regrets from my parents realizing that I didn't get to live the life they wanted me to live. Regrets from hundreds, or thousands of people with their own opinions on how I should've, would've, could've chosen the right things to say, the correct things to do, and that I've done all the worst things of which I could do to myself.
But I've learned that in order to really learn something, you have to at least fail once, and get it right the second time around. So I've made peace with myself, and learned to embrace my regrets - although from time to time I am being reminded by them to the point that I would just start crying out of the blue. What can I say, I'm a sensitive person. A man can cry, sometimes. But always for the right reasons. A crying man without a valid reason, or without reason at all is just a crybaby.
I still feel lonely. Maybe the time of my life where I get to have someone to share mh life with hasn't arrived yet. Hopefully soon, 'coz I don't know how long I can hold myself up waiting for that once in a lifetime chance to find somebody, or anybody for myself.
I realized, I guess this is another part of my life wherein I should make another life-changing decision. To update the last version of myself into the latest one, so that I could find that thing, or person, who can finally fill that emptiness in me. Someone who will destroy my loneliness with their presence. Someone who will stay with me 'til that very fateful, last day of my life. Still hoping.
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