I'm running out of time, and I'm still the same shitty person that I am. Incapable of love, and passive. These past nights, weeks, months have made me realize how lonely I am. Covid made it even worse. So, now I'm stuck with myself, doing things in routine, trying to sleep, wake, and work everyday.
I really think I messed up my life so bad that life's hitting me in the nuts. Never had a real relationship. I wanted that. So, badly, I guess. But I believe I missed my chance already. I've had a lot of girl, friends, but never got to the stage more than that.
I thought something's wrong with my personality. So, I changed that. From my solitary self, silent, focused, intelligent - I have become this attention-seeking bastard, who pretends he has great communication skill, when in fact, he's embarassing himself, trying to pretend to be soemone that he's not.
Next, I got into changing myself physically - more pretense. I worked out, tried bulking up, and getting some muscles. I even changed my wardrobe to copy the cool guus. All it changed was my point of view of things. I haven't been able to appreciate the things that I liked before. I became a picky eater, when in fact, I should be eating anything that I can in contrary to not eating at all.
Among all of these changes, the worst is that I had forgotten my roots. I was a devoted, religious person. I was pure minded and innocent. You wouldn't recognize me from back then now. I swear. I curse. I even wanted to make my non-permanent tattoo to stay. I explicitely involved myself in explicit things. Hoping I'd learn more and adapt to the current state of the world.
And yet with all these changes, nothing's actually changed. I'm still alone. Still lonely and by myself, only sadder, and pretentious. I'm no longer taken seriously by anyone. They all think that I'm a joke and a walking laughing stock. I lost so many parts of my old self and gained nothing.
Which got me thinking again and again. What do I need to do to have what they're having? How can I be that guy, married to his wife, and staying in a regular sized house, outside of the city, with four children, two boys and two girls, running in the fields and living happy and comfortable? Why am I alone? When did I become so fragile and needy and hurting?
Time's running faster and faster than ever. Days get shorter. Nights get colder. Everything's fast-paced, and I'm all getting left behind. If only there's a way out of this cycle. Maybe I can have a second shot at making it right.
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